Christian Bale: He SUCKS… The End

 Maybe this is just the offspring of my desire to complain about stuff, and I don't know how easy it would be to do, but someone needs to redub [or whatever the term is] “The Dark Knight” [the last Batman movie] with anyone else but Christian Bale doing that character’s voice. When I see any clip or commercial to do with this movie, I start to feel ill, like Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange, and his involuntary reaction  to watching the violent movies with Beethoven accompanyment. I can’t watch any of his scenes in that Batman movie for more than 10 seconds, because I immediately get the overwhelming desire to vomit violently, or at least kick him square in the nuts for being so goddamn terrible. It is so awful, it makes me cringe to even think about the way he sucks in a breath and roars out his lines like a child imitating a monster or something, and when he tries to string two sentences together, it’s worse than someone scratching the chalk board. I hope I'm not in the minority on this one-it doesn't seem possible; if you can stand watching that movie without nausea and discomfort, after the way he grunts and snarls when he has on his Batman suit, I have no idea how (I can only assume you weren’t paying attention or were able to mute the screen, while watching at home to make it tolerable). When my best friend and I went to see it in the theatre, and heard him blurt out his first line using that monotone growl, we both instantly turned and looked at each other as we squirmed and shuddered as a simultaneous reflex action, and I think I said “he can’t keep talking like this through the whole movie” …Oh how I hate being wrong about that... He even did it when he was talking to Morgan Freeman’s character, even though he knows who he is and everything; what the hell?!?
　                                           
         Perhaps the director or some major executive producer was responsible for instructing him to talk like an angry bear, or whatever the aim was there. I suppose it‘s possible, given the fact that letting that guy take the role in the first place was a huge mistake; I mean, he basically just recycled his maniacal character from American Psycho, when he was portraying Bruce Wayne, and even that was disturbingly bad. Then again, acting like an egomaniacal, misogynistic douche-bag probably just comes more natural to him, so who knows how much of that was really acting. Maybe it’s just because I’ve heard evidence of him being a complete a@#hole, and his violent tendencies towards his family, but I can’t stand looking at his face, especially his weird mouth, without wanting to rearrange it with my fists (and I‘m not a violent person really, and he would almost certainly kick my ass in a fight). Of course that stupid mouth is all there was to look at when he wears the batman mask, as he forces out his snarling one-liners, like some Neanderthal who just learned how to make sounds with his mouth



[This is him, from American Psycho, or is it?]

 He completely ruined a brilliant performance by Heath Ledger, which was the main reason I wanted to watch it in the first place, and thankfully they focused on the Joker character enough to make about an hour of the movie watchable (if that‘s a word). Of course, the frickin’ thing was like 2 ½ hours long, and we were ready to skip out of the theatre after about an hour and a half, for fear of being driven crazy by the worst… performance…EVER! [, to quote the illustrious Comic Book Guy, Jeff Albertson, from “The Simpsons.”] The fact that Ledger probably had the best performance of his life does expose Bale’s on-screen- abomination even more, so perhaps the argument could be that Bale was only bad in comparison, and some would say Ledger’s brilliance offsets the disgusting series of throat-clearing-grunts that made me want to kill myself, just to eliminate the sound from polluting my ears.
　
         I (as you may have guessed) strongly disagree, which I is why I hope someone re-edits that movie with a voice-over so I can enjoy it without convulsing vigorously in my seat- a sensation followed by the infinitely growing desire to hurt whoever is responsible. I don’t care who you use as the voice- it doesn’t have to be one of the previous Batmans, but I bet Michael Keaton or Val Kilmer (I’m sure he needs the money) would do it if you ask them. Even Richard Simmons would be better (and hilarious), or how about Wesley Snipes  (to pay back his taxes), and let him talk like he did as 'Blade,' which was raspy and somewhat annoying, but still 1000 times more bearable than Bale’s Batman. Or remove him from the movie entirely and call it, “The Joker and Two-Face: Best Friends Forever”; even that lame and predictable Harvey Two-Face character was 100 times better than Batman. Hopefully my friend and I aren’t the only ones who want it remade, because we can’t really afford to pay anyone to do it… I may just have to record it and edit out all of Christian Bale’s speaking parts; shouldn’t be too hard… and it will make me [slightly] less homicidal when I watch TV.